Do you love hard? Or love those that are hard to love?


, , , ,

9ilnyPeople someones speak out of both sides of their mouth.  It seems they don’t know what they want which is confusing for those of us that do.  They say all the right things….I personally call them “pretty words”.  They “lead” you on to believe they are on the same page with you.  They want the same things you do.  They call you every day, send you texts first thing in the morning, and all throughout the day, long talks throughout the night.  You try to stay guarded telling yourself that it’s a long fall from this cloud 9 your floating on.

You talk about past experiences, favorite foods, favorite movies (really?  I love that movie too!)  Everything seems too good to be true.

I’m one that loves hard.  I fall fast.  I feel deeply.  I’m emotional.  Even after all I’ve been through in life I try so hard not to be jaded.  I have felt those things with people that are hard to love back but it didn’t start off that way so when you find out that maybe you aren’t on the same page (scratching my head), you’re kinda stunned. What just happened?

This is my perception…I’m a die hard romantic.  I’d do anything to be in love with my best friend.  To do all the fun things together but also have that wild crazy passion that drives the closeness between us.  But at the end of the day, someone, and it’s usually the one that cares the least pumps the brakes or slams them on all together to where you feel like you have a mild concussion from the dopamine impact that you once thought was coursing through each of you.  All of a sudden this is all going too fast and there isn’t really a future for us?  WHAT?  Say that again?  I’m really confused.  Then comes the silent treatment from something taken way out of context, then refusing to respond to texts and phone calls.  Where is the communication?  Aren’t I worthy of that?  The six year old child in me wonders what I did wrong this time.  I gave affection, attention, and made myself available.  Those tears from fear of abandonment once again are coming from that little girl that still grapples to hold on to what “could be”…the smoke screen of what she was told could be.  There is total confusion.

At 41 (almost 42 in less than 24 hours) I refuse to let these things make me jaded but I also fight against picking up brick by brick protecting myself from the hurt.  Who do you trust anymore.  Do you continue to love hard? Or give up on those that are too hard to love?

Start a Gratefulness Journal


, , , , ,


A few weeks ago a started a gratefulness journal, I’m not going to lie and say I’ve kept up with it the last couple of days.  It’s been a bit rocky.  But I only give power to those that keep me from reminding myself of what I’m truly grateful for.  That right there is going to stop!  You are in control of your happiness and you, my friend are  AWESOME!  So let’s get started shall we…It’s quite easy to do and it lightens the heart because instead of focusing on what could be going wrong in your life, there is always something to be grateful for.

It doesn’t have to be three lines or a full page of a dissertation of what happened that day.  Just jot 3-5 things that you can think of that made your day special that if you hadn’t written them down you may forget.  My day turns into about 10 things (imagine that!)  It gives you something to look back on and smile at things that you may have dismissed.

I find it an important part of my day.  There may be your typical “roof over my head” or “running water” or even ” your beloved dog that greets you at the door” but try to find substance (not that the above things aren’t important because, oh yes they are)

Off the top of my head today I’m grateful for:

  • My German Shephard, Rudi who is my constant companion
  • Having the rest of this week off (my bday week YAY)
  • I got chocolate covered strawberries in the mail for my bday which were yummy!
  • My adoptive momma in CT who is ALWAYS there
  • My best friends (you know how you are)
  • Looking forward to my bday being spent with my high school friend Billy
  • Having money to spend on a new Kate Spade purse
  • God above all else!

If it weren’t for God I wouldn’t have these things so to Him be all the glory!

I hope this helps some of you.  It’s a new day.  A bright sun shiny day.  And it’s all yours!  Be happy!

Breaking Points


, , , , , ,

I often wonder how much one can actual take.  I’m not a typically depressed person but at times it seems wave after wave of bad things happen that make me want to just give up….and I mean give up.  Who would really care.This not not a pity party I’m having I’m just reflecting.  I keep hearing people say “one foot in front of the other” but does anyone know what that really means.  Or I’ve been told “tough love” is what you need.  No….maybe what I need is just love and so many people are willing to snatch it away like it’s something you shouldn’t have had in the the first place.  How dare you were born loved?  I mean really?  Let’s fix that right now:

When you come into the world in a normal household you get nurtured as you should.  If not, you should be fitted for a pair of boxing gloves on our first bday because here on out life ain’t easy.  I for one was snatched from my home at 6 because of my drunk mother. At 18 I ran off to get married to my high school sweet heart who beat me up daily but this was normal to me as I was abused as a child.  Abuse was standard living for me.  I did get the nerve to leave two years later and at 24 I met what I though was the love of my life.  You can read more about that in previous posts.  Brian and I will be amicable to this day.

Flash forward, I divorced which completely knocked me off kilter.  Shortly and I mean shortly I met my rebound boyfriend who was sociopathic by the book.1 1/2 years did I endure what I felt I deserved because I was not lovable as my mother, ex husband and Brian had taught me.  This was learned behavior.  I stuck it out as long as I could but the cheating was worse than being physically harmed.  It did something to my self esteem  It took years to build my confidence back up.  AND I DID.  Through Christ.

I was active in Church for three years and clearly blindsided by another blue eyed good looking charmer.  I got caught up again in the desires of the flesh and God took a back seat yet I couldn’t get out of the clutches of his grip. Finally when I got my head screwed on straight I was told I was just a “good time” and he laughed at me when I told him I had feelings for him.

Again, why would I ever be so vulnerable again.   I’m good to people.  I won’t let someone walk on me but I don’t see how anyone can feel good about themselves when they hurt another.

What’s my breaking point?  I don’t know.  But I’ve reached it.


Burn me once….shame on you!


, , , , , ,

know-your-worth-when-someone-treats-you-like-youre-just-6203503Isn’t that how the old saying goes? But don’t most of us give people the benefit of the doubt?  Not that I don’t see anything wrong with giving someone a second chance but sometimes you have to REALLY pay attention to actions.  Are they capable of doing it again or most importantly….did it strike a trigger that you have within you that you can’t just MAKE GO AWAY and GET OVER IT!  Nope it’s something that will stay….long until we are all buried and gone.  We can try and sweep it under the rug or say to ourselves we are being good people but lessening the pain of someone else by letting them back  in to show us how sorry they are.

But think about this…what if it’s an education to the other person of your tolerance level and they begin to do it again.They hurt you over and over again until you have become so accustomed to it that you think you deserve nothing better.  I say HALT!  No More!  Isn’t once enough?  If someone really I mean REALLY truly cared about you would they do it in the first place.  Really read that over again to yourself.  Sure…people make mistakes….not saying that.  But please, for God’s sake, listen to the voice God gave you deep inside to let you know something is OFF!

If someone has triggered your innermost childlike hurts and pains and can’t see it or doesn’t see it shouldn’t you only truly be allowed to be burned once.  Why would you put your hand on a hot stove just to make sure it won’t hurt as bad next time. Oh it will!  There are very few out there that care enough to really not want to see another hurt. I, unfortunately, feel like I’m the last of the dying breed that is like that.  I would walk through fire for my friends and loved ones but not sure they would do the same for me.  That’s called unconditional love/friendship.  As long as they never crossed  a line that made me reel backwards from the shock of their actions or words.  Because folks, if that happens, I’m a Christian woman, I will pray for that person, FROM AFAR!  Forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation

I have dealt with many in my 40-something years and it’s taken me this long to figure it doesn’t need to be a lesson learned over and over and over again.  Pay attention to peoples actions not their pretty words.  Some people can change…true. As for me, I’m making a pact with myself that I’m not tolerating something more than once if it’s unhealthy for me and brings up bad memories.  That’s my rant for today!  Peace!

The deafening silence of abandonment


, , , ,

feltabandondedI’ve written about abandonment before.  It’s ingrained in my personality which during multiple therapy sessions I’ve tried to figure out how to off load this heavy heavy weight inside that started as a child.  If you’ve never experienced it please consider yourself one of the lucky ones.  I’ve come across a handful of my friends that didn’t have to experience the feeling of being left alone without a rhyme or reason.  This doesn’t just start in childhood, mind you…this travels with you in your psyche as an adult.  I wish I was one of those people with an “off switch” for protection but I’m not.  I’m one of those “innocent until proven guilty” types but then it’s too late for my heart and it’s shattered.  People just leave. People like me, you’d think would have walls thicker than cynderblock before anyone could reach my heart but I clearly am not made that way. I want to see the good in people.  I want to believe they care, love, and are genuinely kind to me.  I hold onto that hope that people can be genuine until the phone calls stop, the texts stop and I’m left wondering what I did wrong.  It seems to always stem back to me.  What did I do?  I’m analytical, over thinker….it must have been me.  It’s something I said or did.

The silent treatment, when you try to gather information to determine what you did wrong but can’t seem to get an answer is when it’s damaging.  Statistics show that it has the same mental/emotional effect on someone that has been physically abused.


We are left to figure out what we did.  It’s how we were raised.  The ones that always were to blame.  All we got as children were either locked in closest, thrown out in the rain or locked in our bedrooms to “think about it”.  As an adult, like me, I’m locked in my home, four walls surrounding me trying to figure out why I keep trusting.  Maybe it’s me.  Maybe I’m on to something.  Trust.  I’m too trusting.  Maybe I let people in too easily.  I fight for approval and love when it should be given freely.  It’s the same merri-go-round that I’ve been on for quiet sometime.

And while I’ll never understand the silent treatment because it’s cruel.  I do know that I can build a wall so high that NO ONE will get in.  I’m a good person but I’m tired..tired of no one taking my feelings into account.  I’m the generous one.  Maybe all that needs to stop.  Maybe I need to change.  Maybe instead of being so easily trusting I need to change my tactic up a bit.  You would think that this point I know better.  I don’t deserve to be ignored when I would never do that to someone else.


But don’t ever think that just because you act a certain way towards someone they would do the same for you.I’m learning the hard way….but I’m learning.



, , , , ,

Towards the light

Strength is not always what we think it is.  Strength is what we give to our closest friends when they need it but it may deplete us of the strength to get through another day but we do it anyway.  They won’t know.  We know that kind of suffering so we don’t want to see them bear it.  We don’t let our voices crack on the phone nor do we show the tears in front of them.  We smile because we know they need it.  But I just ask for you to take a moment and realize that everyone is going through something but they sacrifice for you because you are that important.  If you don’t recognize it then it cuts even deeper and they are even more depleted than before.  I have worked an 8-10 hour day with people around me not knowing what is going on inside my mind.  But as soon as I get home I shut the door, may pour a glass of wine and shut my phone off.  I sit down and cry for the people that don’t know me well enough to even see the sadness in my eyes.  For the friends I thought would always be there but they weren’t.  For the parents that are 15 minutes down the street but I can’t run to for a hug.  The closest thing tangible I get to unconditional love is my dog.  He sits beside me for as long as I need him to.  But the people I’ve sacrificed my time for to make sure they are ok are no where to be found.  It’s then that you realize that you can feel sorry for yourself or be more guarded and protective of your heart next time.  I am a Co-Dependent person.  I want to fix.  I want to rescue.  But what happens when the person you want to fix or help no longer needs you?  You’re alone.  Not needed.  Feeling abandoned.  That familiar feeling as a child being lost comes rushing back.  Your not safe with anyone really.  No one has your best interests at heart.  You try to understand but there comes a time that you feel so used up by people that you can’t trust anymore.  Can’t give anymore.  At the end of the day it’s you and God.  And you pray He hears you because no one else does or cares.  Once you’ve served a purpose you are no longer needed.  Atleast it feels that way.  The battles I fight not everyone knows about and the ones that do know may not even be close friends of mine anymore and they believe that bringing up my battles like an adult bully is an accomplishment to them.  It makes them look pathetic and I have learned to dismiss them.  It’s the important people in my life that can hurt me the most.  But I’m slowly getting to the point to where brick by brick they can’t hurt me either.  They may not even be able to reach me.  I have my own battles to fight. They are mine and mine alone.



Even Your Shadow Leaves


, , , , , , ,


“Don’t depend too much on anyone in this world because even your shadow leaves you when you’re in darkness”

Read that statement….then read it again.

It’s true.

You may think just because you have parents they won’t desert you but I’m proof that’s not true.  Just because someone gives birth to a child doesn’t make them a good parent and one that won’t be accessible when you need them.

You may think because you’re married you’ll never get divorced but people wake up everyday with different feelings.  Divorces happen all the time.  I was married 15 years and my husband decided he wanted to be with other women because he got married too young and didn’t “experience life”. Nice.

You may have had a best friend for 20 years but life could get in the way and you may be replaced with someone new because distance is too hard to keep up a friendship.

You may meet someone and fall in love at first sight and just know they feel the exact same way but in the end it’s one sided and unrequited which is a very sad thing.

You may think you have a solid relationship that people marvel at and think you are a perfect couple but no one is perfect and there isn’t a promise for tomorrow nor do you know what goes on behind closed doors.

You may share a bond with someone so deep that nothing could tear it apart…but at the end of the day everyone is broken and no one owes you anything.

No one owes you loyalty. No one owes you respect.  No one owes you their reliability in your life.  You trust that they will but nothing in this life is guaranteed.

God is a guarantee…He won’t leave when everyone else does.  You can bet He will always be there catching your tears in a bottle every time you’re disappointed by another crushing blow of reality.  Reality that you can’t really depend on people.  It’s a risk we all take.

I’ve lost a lot of people in my life but it’s also been a cycle or recycling I could say.  The Lord gives and He takes away.  And that’s life.

The only person thus far that has left me and not broken my heart intentionally was my Nana.  Even as a grown woman it would be nice to have her to talk to or cry to or just be held.  There’s something about grandmothers.  Mine was an angel on earth.  I still miss her all the time.

Furthermore, as I’m facing the golden years with my German Shepherd I know he’s another that will never intentionally break  my heart but God will need him back one day and I won’t have him to depend on at the door when I walk in or wake me up with his wet nose in my face.  But I wouldn’t trade the years I’ve had with him for anything.  Forever is not in his life span unfortunately so I cherish each day I do have with him.

Life is a journey.  We face many disappointments.  We try to be strong for those that may need it most….but behind every smile is a broken heart.

Never depend on anyone 100%…it’s not possible for people to give you their all.  They may mean well but you’ll find yourself disappointed at some point in time.