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35a0da7b190551600a8b700dad8a695fI was born November 17, 1974.  My mother had five miscarriages prior to me so I am an only child and I was the “miracle baby”.

My mother experienced a lot of trauma in her lifetime.  She lost her baby brother when he was 17 in a fatal motorcycle accident and shortly thereafter she lost her father to a heart attack.  My mother was a Daddy’s girl.

Her first marriage only lasted a year and her second marriage to my biological father lasted 15.  She will be celebrating 30 years to my step father in September.

My mother began drinking in her twenties after the loss of her little brother.  They were extremely close.  It only got worse when she lost her father.  This is how I’m understanding it all took place.  It became a very slippery slope for her.

My mother and I have struggled tremendously with a healthy mother/daughter relationship.  We fall in and out of estrangement regularly.  There have been times I’ve cried out to God “Why was I even born?”  But because I have a close relationship with the Lord, He’s shown me multiple reasons why I’m here.  Why I was brought into this world.  And why I am the woman I am today.  I’ve been shown tough lessons in life but I believe it’s helped me help others in my path.

Today, my mother and I are working on reconciliation.  Anyone that has had difficulty with a parent and maintaining a relationship knows that it’s a “one day at a time”journey. Nothing gets fixed overnight.  Nor are the scars gone from previous hurts.  As a Christian, I do my very best to forgive and love as Christ loves me.

Recently, during one of our conversations (we are still catching up over the past year that we lost) she very humbly said to me, “I should have been a better mother to you.  I’m sorry I wasn’t.”  WOW!  I can’t say I’ve heard that from her before.  I’m grateful and at the same time compassionate.  Compassion resonated through me at the moment she said those words and I found it within myself to tell her “It’s ok.  You did the best you knew how.”  I was at peace with saying that to her.  There was no need to fling hate in her face and agree with how horrible life was living with an alcoholic.  She has been sober 22 years now and that’s an achievement and I’m at a place to commend her for it.  We all deserve acknowledgement for even the littlest things and I felt she needed to hear that from me.

Tonight is a good night.  I’m fixing dinner for my parents and that hasn’t happened in quite some time.  Here’s to happier days ahead!