Well this post is going to come from straight emotion today without any blueprints or well thought out catchy phrases. Pretty much like a brain dump. It’s been a bad day….bad enough that it’s brought me to tears and called forth memories and feelings that are in raw form. To even say I’ve had a bad day just doesn’t seem fitting for how I feel right now. It’s more like I’ve had a long hard week with various things going on that I’ve dealt with, taken on, shouldered, and this afternoon it just got too heavy and I decided to drop it all and just sit down and cry.
I consider myself a kind, generous, caring, loving person that tries EVERY SINGLE DAY to live life the way God would want me to live it. Be kind to others even if they are undeserving. Smile when passing someone on the street. Don’t bark back when someone barks at you. Don’t repay evil for evil….repay evil for good. Yes. That’s my philosophy.
Today, the camels back broke and the straw wasn’t even that heavy. It was just enough weight that everything underneath has collapsed from the “stuff” that I’ve dealt with. Enough is enough.
All week, I’ve been under pressure at work. Just a lot of stuff going on. Major deliverables and deadlines for which I constantly deal with attitude from others because of their stress. Do I repay their nasty attitude with one of my own? No.
Another coworker that I’ve done my best to make peace with even though no one will attempt being this girl’s friend has come at me for no logical/rational reason. She is the drama queen of the office and is probably the one that is likely to walk in the front door with a shot gun and blow up our building. Lately, I’ve fully expected to be attacked in the parking lot. This is no trumped up comment…I’m serious. Without getting into detail, she’s just been so nasty to me to where I’ve had to address it with her boss. Enough to cause anxiety as you can imagine.
I’ve been experiencing back pain for months now and I don’t sleep that well or I’m in pain sitting for too long. Yes, I know. I need to go get an MRI. That’s in the plan.
I looked at my yard today and realized it needed to be cut. I have plans all weekend so it has to be done today. Back to the deadlines for work…I haven’t finished so I need to work this afternoon from home. No time for yard work. So, I decided reach out to the young man that normally cuts it for me. No response. I called a couple places and they are booked for months. I finally reached out to a nice guy that I went to high school with and he’s going to help but it’s just my nature to feel bad about asking for help. I HATE IT! I’m not good at it and when I have to ask for help regarding the house then it makes me realize these are things my husband used to do. It makes me angry at him for leaving in the first place. Looking out at the yard it seems magnified in size because I dread doing it anyway. I hate yardwork. It makes me remember the times my husband used to take care of the lawn and I didn’t have to worry about it. Now I shoulder all of the household responsibilities. Normally I pride myself in doing it but today it’s just one of those “straws”.
At times I don’t feel like I’m a good enough friend. Like I’m failing those around me somehow. Not being loyal enough….or not being there for them enough. All I can say is that I do my best. By nature, I’m a person that wants harmony anyway. I’m the typical peacemaker. I don’t like tension or hostility.
I have people that constantly ask me to hang out right after work. I can’t. I live 45 min away from my job and I have a responsibility to get home to my dog that has waited for me for 10 hours. He comes first. I no longer have that person that would get home before me to let him out so I could grab a drink with the girls (wouldn’t have happened in my previous marriage anyway but you get the point). Again, back to reminders of handling things independently and it’s hard without help.
Social media….the infamous place of them all for hurt feelings and passive aggression. I loved reading a response to one of my Facebook posts that seemed to be a little condescending after what I wrote was actually a good post. Nothing bad. But people tend to want to be in the spotlight even if it’s not their timeline. I don’t get it. But it happens. How did I respond? Kindly…as always. I let it go.
Here’s the kicker today which will probably seem like nothing to some of you and for the most part I laugh it off….for some reason….I didn’t laugh it off today. This was my straw…..I’m sitting in line for lunch today. The drive thru was wrapped around the building. It was insane. I’m starving, people are walking slowly in front of my car as I’m trying to pull up, and the line isn’t moving hardly at all. But I kept my patience and just inched up when I could. Little did I know, there was a young girl in a truck behind me that wanted to get by and out of the line. I couldn’t go anywhere….no one could. Finally, I did my best to pull to the left a little bit to give her some semblance of space to maneuver because she clearly was in a hurry. Yet, after helping her get by she drives by me, cusses me out and gives me the finger. Really?
I laughed to myself about it at first and thought…have a good day, lady. I never am the one to spout back off at someone nor would I give someone the bird. It’s rude, it’s not very classy, and you never know what kind of craziness you’re inviting if you do that to the wrong person.
I sat the rest of the time in line and without control tears just welled up in my eyes. I knew it wasn’t because of some road enraged lady that I didn’t know but it was the straw. What did I do to her? What did I do to deserve attitude at work? What did I do to deserve being walked out on after 15 years of marriage? What did I do for friends to walk away from me because I didn’t necessarily side with them on a certain issue?
That girl in the truck that cussed me out today didn’t know I’m still struggling with a broken heart from a divorce or a broken relationship with my mother that I try to keep hinged. She didn’t know the deadlines I’ve faced all week and then rushing home to a dog that waits for me all day. She doesn’t know that I, too, have to be somewhere fast on a daily basis because I have busy weeks. She just doesn’t know….
People don’t realize when they are mean what they may do to those that live to be kind, generous, caring, and loving. It breaks our spirits and hurts us. We may appear strong on the outside but there is always a battle we don’t know someone is fighting.
So please remember that the next time you want to cuss someone out on the road, walk away from a friendship when it might be repairable, getting an attitude with someone at work that is just trying to do their job, or even being passive aggressive on Facebook. You don’t know what they could be dealing with…and you could be their “straw”.