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Towards the light

Strength is not always what we think it is.  Strength is what we give to our closest friends when they need it but it may deplete us of the strength to get through another day but we do it anyway.  They won’t know.  We know that kind of suffering so we don’t want to see them bear it.  We don’t let our voices crack on the phone nor do we show the tears in front of them.  We smile because we know they need it.  But I just ask for you to take a moment and realize that everyone is going through something but they sacrifice for you because you are that important.  If you don’t recognize it then it cuts even deeper and they are even more depleted than before.  I have worked an 8-10 hour day with people around me not knowing what is going on inside my mind.  But as soon as I get home I shut the door, may pour a glass of wine and shut my phone off.  I sit down and cry for the people that don’t know me well enough to even see the sadness in my eyes.  For the friends I thought would always be there but they weren’t.  For the parents that are 15 minutes down the street but I can’t run to for a hug.  The closest thing tangible I get to unconditional love is my dog.  He sits beside me for as long as I need him to.  But the people I’ve sacrificed my time for to make sure they are ok are no where to be found.  It’s then that you realize that you can feel sorry for yourself or be more guarded and protective of your heart next time.  I am a Co-Dependent person.  I want to fix.  I want to rescue.  But what happens when the person you want to fix or help no longer needs you?  You’re alone.  Not needed.  Feeling abandoned.  That familiar feeling as a child being lost comes rushing back.  Your not safe with anyone really.  No one has your best interests at heart.  You try to understand but there comes a time that you feel so used up by people that you can’t trust anymore.  Can’t give anymore.  At the end of the day it’s you and God.  And you pray He hears you because no one else does or cares.  Once you’ve served a purpose you are no longer needed.  Atleast it feels that way.  The battles I fight not everyone knows about and the ones that do know may not even be close friends of mine anymore and they believe that bringing up my battles like an adult bully is an accomplishment to them.  It makes them look pathetic and I have learned to dismiss them.  It’s the important people in my life that can hurt me the most.  But I’m slowly getting to the point to where brick by brick they can’t hurt me either.  They may not even be able to reach me.  I have my own battles to fight. They are mine and mine alone.