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feltabandondedI’ve written about abandonment before.  It’s ingrained in my personality which during multiple therapy sessions I’ve tried to figure out how to off load this heavy heavy weight inside that started as a child.  If you’ve never experienced it please consider yourself one of the lucky ones.  I’ve come across a handful of my friends that didn’t have to experience the feeling of being left alone without a rhyme or reason.  This doesn’t just start in childhood, mind you…this travels with you in your psyche as an adult.  I wish I was one of those people with an “off switch” for protection but I’m not.  I’m one of those “innocent until proven guilty” types but then it’s too late for my heart and it’s shattered.  People just leave. People like me, you’d think would have walls thicker than cynderblock before anyone could reach my heart but I clearly am not made that way. I want to see the good in people.  I want to believe they care, love, and are genuinely kind to me.  I hold onto that hope that people can be genuine until the phone calls stop, the texts stop and I’m left wondering what I did wrong.  It seems to always stem back to me.  What did I do?  I’m analytical, over thinker….it must have been me.  It’s something I said or did.

The silent treatment, when you try to gather information to determine what you did wrong but can’t seem to get an answer is when it’s damaging.  Statistics show that it has the same mental/emotional effect on someone that has been physically abused.

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We are left to figure out what we did.  It’s how we were raised.  The ones that always were to blame.  All we got as children were either locked in closest, thrown out in the rain or locked in our bedrooms to “think about it”.  As an adult, like me, I’m locked in my home, four walls surrounding me trying to figure out why I keep trusting.  Maybe it’s me.  Maybe I’m on to something.  Trust.  I’m too trusting.  Maybe I let people in too easily.  I fight for approval and love when it should be given freely.  It’s the same merri-go-round that I’ve been on for quiet sometime.

And while I’ll never understand the silent treatment because it’s cruel.  I do know that I can build a wall so high that NO ONE will get in.  I’m a good person but I’m tired..tired of no one taking my feelings into account.  I’m the generous one.  Maybe all that needs to stop.  Maybe I need to change.  Maybe instead of being so easily trusting I need to change my tactic up a bit.  You would think that this point I know better.  I don’t deserve to be ignored when I would never do that to someone else.

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But don’t ever think that just because you act a certain way towards someone they would do the same for you.I’m learning the hard way….but I’m learning.