, , , , , ,

I often wonder how much one can actual take.  I’m not a typically depressed person but at times it seems wave after wave of bad things happen that make me want to just give up….and I mean give up.  Who would really care.This not not a pity party I’m having I’m just reflecting.  I keep hearing people say “one foot in front of the other” but does anyone know what that really means.  Or I’ve been told “tough love” is what you need.  No….maybe what I need is just love and so many people are willing to snatch it away like it’s something you shouldn’t have had in the the first place.  How dare you were born loved?  I mean really?  Let’s fix that right now:

When you come into the world in a normal household you get nurtured as you should.  If not, you should be fitted for a pair of boxing gloves on our first bday because here on out life ain’t easy.  I for one was snatched from my home at 6 because of my drunk mother. At 18 I ran off to get married to my high school sweet heart who beat me up daily but this was normal to me as I was abused as a child.  Abuse was standard living for me.  I did get the nerve to leave two years later and at 24 I met what I though was the love of my life.  You can read more about that in previous posts.  Brian and I will be amicable to this day.

Flash forward, I divorced which completely knocked me off kilter.  Shortly and I mean shortly I met my rebound boyfriend who was sociopathic by the book.1 1/2 years did I endure what I felt I deserved because I was not lovable as my mother, ex husband and Brian had taught me.  This was learned behavior.  I stuck it out as long as I could but the cheating was worse than being physically harmed.  It did something to my self esteem  It took years to build my confidence back up.  AND I DID.  Through Christ.

I was active in Church for three years and clearly blindsided by another blue eyed good looking charmer.  I got caught up again in the desires of the flesh and God took a back seat yet I couldn’t get out of the clutches of his grip. Finally when I got my head screwed on straight I was told I was just a “good time” and he laughed at me when I told him I had feelings for him.

Again, why would I ever be so vulnerable again.   I’m good to people.  I won’t let someone walk on me but I don’t see how anyone can feel good about themselves when they hurt another.

What’s my breaking point?  I don’t know.  But I’ve reached it.